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Like a mirage. Shimmer in my face. I’m talking about my phone. I built up to it. At first I wouldn’t have known him in a crowd. That’s a lie. People don’t talk like that out here. Well tell me how do they talk? Then I said if your father’s sick I’ll come. Like I could stop the bleeding. Like I’d clutch him in the ICU. No reply. Cried and cried. But I knew I’d never had it in the first place. It is what it is. That’s how she goes. Have fun with your digital love affair. All right now baby it’s all right. Had it on repeat. Something about the beat. The pounding. Jackhammer. Concrete. Then there I was in East Jerusalem. Al-Aqusa. Temple Mount. Same same, it’s true. Home again. Little darling here comes the sun. Played it for the kids. Woodstock. Girls sleeping in the mud. Tell me about it. Still dark. Shimmer in my face. Winter. Fall.

Spring again. Cocoon around the distance. I want to fuck you is what he said and he meant it. Then it’s The Fourth of July. He played Night Moves across the lake. Everybody could hear it. Cried and cried. But I knew I’d never had it in the first place. Liar. Cheat. Have fun with your digital love affair. That’s all the story was about. If you can’t love me, I don’t mind. But he was talking about his wife. Just words anyway. Just a shimmer in my face. This one time in Detroit I asked the pilot how do you spell Schiphol Airport and he just looked at me like I was b-a-n-a-n-a-s. So what you’re saying is I made it up. That’s what he believed. Not me. I don’t think that. Feel cute, might delete later. Ghosted. Ghost. Cried about Atlantis. Allowed just to peep. Who the fuck are you talking to? I can’t remember what happened after that. That’s a lie. The night wore on. Shimmer in my face. Like I could just reach out and touch somebody. You’re being obsessive he said and it was true. Maybe I thought I could get it through the thumbs. The stuff delusions are made of. Have fun with your digital love affair. That’s how I put it: Did we make love? Beat it up. People say that. I want to slay you. Liar. Cheat. Drinking Coors on the tailgate of the truck. He said, I bought us boats babe! But he took mine back. 40 days. Sleeping on the blacktop. I’ll never forget that one. You’re real, I told him, you exist. That’s a lie. Mirage. Shimmer. Did you ever hear the one about the little lithium box? That there’s a joke about Sigmund Freud. These days I hold it on its side of the bed. As if it’s got a pulse. Is that one David Lynch? Chuckie. Jason. That one movie Scream. Facetime by the creek. Giggling. He said don’t laugh so much. Sure don’t. What’s that supposed to mean? Do not say those words to me. That’ll leave a mark. It is what it is. You’re being irrational, he said. Now don’t start that again. Let’s normalize talking about the Categorical Imperative. Beat it up. Get it? That there’s a joke about Immanuel Kant. Cunt. I threw it against the wall. I’ll critique your judgment. I liked to tell that one but they didn’t care. They just wanted to know who visited the website. Feel cute, might delete later. Ghosted. Ghost. Blocked. Block me. Have fun with your digital love affair.

It was September and I was walking through Schiphol Airport. And I got the strangest feeling. All those people rippling like grass all around me. Like everybody’s just blades of grass. Duty Free. Chanel billboards. Like oh look it’s Jennifer Lawrence. In the movie she’ll play me. Finally something we could agree about. End of the Road. List in my bucket. Had it on repeat. Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown walks into a bar. That’s how the joke starts. And from the bar you could see airplanes. And a clock with a man trapped inside. Erasing the clock hands. Drawing them back. Keeping time. Keep. Time. Like I could reach out and touch somebody. But it was just a screen. Scream. Let’s normalize talking about antinomies. Experience of infinity on the one hand. Human finitude on the other. Just need one is all. I was drunk. I didn’t mean it. Have fun with your digital love affair. Face. Time. Is that overkill? Ghost. Mirage. When he asked me, are you a Christian? I said yes. It was 5:00 AM. But I could see he didn’t believe me. As if it belongs to them more than other folk. Tried to persuade him. By God I understand a being absolutely infinite, that is, a substance consisting of an infinity of attributes. That one’s Spinoza. Speaking of obsessive. Just need one is all. Where existence and essence are the same. Shimmer in my face. But he won’t speak to me again. Almost like I could reach out and touch somebody. That’s all the story was about. Something about the way it ends. Bye for real. Blocked. Block me. Delete the thread. The thin red line. The scarlet letter.

Naked in a snowstorm in the parking lot of a church. Must’ve been 3:00 am. The cross was fluorescent red. Same same, it’s true. That’s a lie. I was an ocean away in the morning. And those girls could’ve ripped each other to shreds. Never seen anything like it. Like monsters. Could be you. No Christmas in a genocide. Stray dog. Couldn’t shake him. Followed me all through that little Serbian town. Roma boys driving homemade pickups. I wanted to ask him: How do you put down a sledgehammer? But he’ll never speak to me again. People don’t talk like that out here. Well tell me how do they talk? Then I flew from East to West. I traveled back in time. La Jettée. That means leap. Go fuck yourself. Do not say those words to me. Like everybody’s just in it for the cash. They made it in a lab, he said. Then he said, just look at Sandy Hook. If I could suture it somehow. If I could stop the bleeding. I didn’t know what to tell the kids. Then it was The Fourth of July. Staples. Now why’d they go and call a town a thing like that? We were standing by the river. Thanks for the gift, universe. Now that’s what I call a shimmer. But I ended up at the ER again. 500 bucks. Longest night of my life. Almost like I could reach out and touch somebody. If you can’t love me, I don’t mind. But he was talking about his wife. The door shut. It was a window, I swear to God it was. Sorry for saying God. Do you like to hear a woman beg? Still don’t know the answer. Signal. Archive. Show me. You shook me. Now how many folks can say that? Told him I’d put it in the movie. I knew he wanted me to say Brad Pitt so I did. Delete the thread. The thin red line. Tried to antagonize him into doing it. Don’t tell me what to fucking do. It’s intolerable, I said, it’s more than I can take. Grow up now kiddo, he said. And he was right. It is what it is. That’s how she goes. That’ll leave a mark. If I could suture it somehow. If I could stop the bleeding. Have fun with your digital love affair. 5:00 am. Took a taxi to the impound lot. The kids were still asleep. Now there’s a night that wouldn’t quit. Keeping time. Facetime. Some things you never can take back. You’re being obsessive, he said. And it was true. It was like a window, I swear to God it was. Sorry for saying God.

What are you, a fascist? I said and he said, I can’t believe you voted for that bitch. Two words. Sex. Ring. Ghosted. Ghost. The thin red line. Such a sweet thing when you open up, baby. That’s a lyric. Mackinac Island Super 8 and the kids were still asleep. Listened to it in the bathtub in the dark. Saw militia trucks in Pennsylvania. Then he’s all, job site, gravel road, at the Dollar General. And here’s me. Paris, Jerusalem, London, Rome. What’s that supposed to mean? Then there I am in Kosovo. KFOR. Machine guns. Guys selling moonshine from a jar. I want to fuck you is what he said and he meant it. The interpreter pretending to sleep. Wireless. Think about it metaphorically. Ghosted. Ghost. Signal. Bye babe, and I believed him. I’ll put it in the movie I said. And I mean to. I tried to antagonize him into doing it. Five hours, six. What the hell do you guys talk about? Well I’ll tell ya.

She looked a lot like me. Saw it on the feed. He came in with a shotgun while she was sleeping with her kids. I just can’t seem to let it go. Told her he had a vision. Needed to impregnate somebody. He’d been eyeing me for months, living just across Highway 59. No curtains. Like I gave a fuck. Except that night. Whole town searching. Good thing the cops got him first, he told me. Arrest as in stop. That must be why I like you. Left a gift for him hidden in the ditch. Came back three months later and there it was. Cried and cried. But I knew I’d never had it in the first place. Can’t tell you till you’re grown is what I told the kids eventually. Didn’t like that one bit.

Then there’s that one time and the man had Karma tattooed across his face. Can’t make that shit up. Sent me pictures. Of cash. Just piles of it. When I saw him standing on the corner all dressed in red, I knew. It’s called a hustle sweetheart. Got that one from Zootopia. Now there’s a movie about a cop. There’s a night that wouldn’t stop. Delete the thread. The thin red line. Beat it up. I want to fuck you is what he said and he meant it. You’ll never look at Kant the same again. Never left Königsburg last I heard. Now that’s what I call a townie. Good old boy. Am I making you uneasy? Scared I’ll go and say the earth is flat? Let me tell you about this guy I met. Facetime. 2:00 am. They were high as hell. Arborist. Nice kid but. Couldn’t even persuade him about Copernicus. That’s how she goes. It is what it is. That’ll leave a mark. Then there I was in Massachusetts. And a parade went by but nobody in the restaurant saw. Fifteen trucks, flags. Make it, Keep it, red hats, everything. Nice enough folk, book-reading folk but. They didn’t even see. I read a book one time, he said. That’s what I’m talking about, that’s exactly what I mean.

Out in the barn with the boys one night. They thought I was b-a-n-a-n-a-s and I can’t say that they were wrong. Are you catching any of this? Trust him with my life. Still do. Never heard of a jump he didn’t land. Except that once. Potato field all packed with snow. Zero to eighty in the dark. Thought for sure that was it. Shimmer in my face. I’m not your fucking muse, he said. And what am I? Let me be your gangrene, Daddy. Let me be your virus. Beat it up. Shut it down. When I told her she went all Interpretation of Dreams on me. So where does that mean he’s taking you? A Case of Hysteria. Have fun with your digital love affair. Its side of the bed. Like it has a pulse. You have to project strength, he told me. The Virgin Mary pinned to his bulletproof vest. Later I realized he never answered the question. But he’ll never speak to me again.

Go to the raising, put up a wall. Timber. Stone. Or was it concrete? A police barricade? Beat it up. Break it down. That’s a lie. I was drunk. I didn’t mean it. Three glazed donuts roll into Bismark. Until the Sheriff found his body up some ravine. Not my story to tell. Tabs of acid in his pockets. Shot himself dead. Ghosted. Ghost. Last thing he told me was, you hung good. Gave birth the next day. Abject. Rage cage. That’s what he used to call it. Ravers in the woods. People think I’m a riot. Get it. That must be why I like you. Arrest as in stop. Block. Archive. The fucking letter A. Have fun with your digital love affair.

Do you really believe that? is what he said. God do I wish the answer was no. Sorry for saying God. Went to the desert and all I got was this mouth full of sand. So you’re my mirage, Daddy, you’re my phantom limb. Get it. Get some. Get lucky. At the end he kept the elephant. Bethlehem. Olive wood as in peace. To remind him of the gaping hole I’d left, he said. Shit, it just reminded me of the immanent cause of all things. Just one is all. But later, he just threw it all away. Deleted it is what he said. Symbol of god. Sorry for saying god. Shimmer in my face. Its side of the bed. Truffle butter on your pussy. Now there’s a line. Go on now kiddo, go. And he was right. Show me. You shook me. Hide Image. Cheap as they come. The fucking letter A. Told him I’d get a tattoo. Didn’t like that one bit. Here’s the part where I consult with my attorney. Get exiled, move to the beach. Just me and the kid. Could be worse.

But then I thought he’d come up underneath the house and shoot me. Now there’s a long night. Listening to the Northern Pacific at 4:00 am. Sexy text. People say that too. But it was just a screen. Scream. Beat it up. Fucking bitch, that was new. But then I had to call the cops. Keep time. Facetime. As if I could get it through the thumbs. I’m not telling you what to fucking do. See: Damaged Life, Reflections from. See: Enlightenment, False. When I say citation, you say MLA. When I say citation, you say DUI. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s exactly what I mean. What’s your favorite flavor? Don, Ron or the other one? What’s his name again? If I could suture it somehow. If I could stop the bleeding. The stuff delusions are made of. News feed. Chew on that. The word was Seizure and we liked it. Something about the way it ends. Fantasy. We did that word first. Guess we always knew. But she wasn’t ready to die on that hill. You’re being obsessive, he said and it was true. The man has a sense of humor, I’ll give him that. Lighten up. Grow up. He got me high instead, tripping balls. Get it? Took me to the VFW. Everybody stared. I want to fuck you is what he said and he meant it. Totaled the car again. Couldn’t bring myself to read it. Delete the thread. The thin red line. Have fun with your digital love affair. Then it was New Year’s Day. Facetime at Sweeney’s Saloon and my friend told me one about a cliff. Then the cliff gave way. It was nothing but sand. We slid, all the way down. Bet I got a mouthful. Classic Collision. But when I saw the look in his eye, I knew. Out in the barn with the boys one night and what he said later was she was screaming, but not at me. Which was true.