Four Poems

RIDING THE TRAIL TO WHO KNOWS WHERE
...........................................................persona non grata

For some reason I think I've been down this
Road before it was on the set of the Warner

Bros TV series Maverick I was trying to sell
James Garner on the idea that he could boost

The show's ratings and make a bundle of easy
Money if his professional gambler character

Bret Maverick morphed instead into a private
Investigator Garner didn't think too much of my

Idea at the time until someone threw a rock at
His Ford Ranchero in the studio parking lot

Mistaking it for co-star Jack Kelly's Chevy
El Camino years later Garner attempted to sue

Me for suing him for stealing my concept for
His TV series The Rockford Files but the courts

Dismissed both suits in the end since according
to Groucho Marx neither one came with two

Pairs of pants Garner and I eventually patched
Up our differences and remained good friends

For many years right up until the night I set fire
To Jack Kelly’s house in Huntington Beach

PROFESSION OF FAITH
.............................persona non grata

I firmly believe my close relationship with
God is the best the world has seen that

Religion plays a vital role in my daily
Life and while I never have to get down

On my knees to beseech anyone higher than
Me God and I actually do quite well with

The evangelicals who truly love me they
Really do and I love the evangelicals too

I have so many of them who pray to me
It’s hard to believe but it’s true I can’t

Believe it myself I don’t even remember
Ever saying a prayer in my whole life yet

These people pray to me constantly all
The time and everybody or maybe almost

Everybody can I say everybody? I think
I can say everybody and everybody says

The same thing to me servants apostles
Prophets world influencers all call me

Sir all patriots of faith with legal power
From heaven ready to seize control all

Prepared to follow me straight to hell
And that’s what makes religion so great

STATUE OF LIBERTY PLAY
......................................persona non grata

People need to think twice before they
Start throwing good money at bonehead

Schemes aimed at bringing American
Professional sports to foreign countries

I know I speak from experience I had all
The necessary resources to successfully

Move my NFL team to Beirut for the start
Of the 1986 Middle East conflict and not

Only was it a public relations boondoggle
It was a financial disaster of catastrophic

Proportions I had no idea of the prohibitive
Costs of outfitting an entire football team

In combat gear and supplying them with all
The latest conventional military hardware

Including pistols submachine guns assault
Rifles grenade launchers mortars tanks

Armored cars anti-tank guided missiles
And IEDs only to see the team embroiled

In a fierce battle on the field with people
Who didn’t have a clue how to play football

They killed all the referees before the first
Half strafed the entire backfield shelled

The line of scrimmage blew up our bench
And shot our quarterback during a time out

My players were so deflated they were lucky
To escape with their signing bonuses intact

HE'S A LOT OF FUN TO BE WITH FILES
..............................................persona non grata

This guy is always doing inappropriate things
Every time I invite him to my houses resorts

Hotels casinos truly weird stuff strange shit
Totally infuriating crap he really saws me off

A limb rummaging through drawers cabinets
Closets swag bags spilling shit everywhere he

Goes overusing movie quotes hanging out in
Doorways cheating at poker gin rummy hearts

Crazy eights go fucking fish never returns the
Grocery carts runs all the time in the pool area

Flicks goddamn cigar ashes on my Florentine
Rugs wears fucking boat shoes without socks

Filches towels pillows bathrobes sheets clothes
Hangers (the quality wood kind not the cheap

Wire ones) for years I stop talking to him won’t
Talk to him I won’t talk and I say don’t ever do

That shit again or else so what’s he do next he
Poaches my young game hens (highly prized

For their large proportions of white meat and
Excellent texture) and that’s it get the fuck out