THREAD ^~*

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Today is my fast and m following it sincerely. I
shall break like everyone does. I had been to
the temple of god with my mom and prayed it
felt good being spiritual.

*

Mom is frustrated today with Dad. She pissed
on him and it is irritated. He dominates Mom
and got furious they had arguments I can’t do
anything in. I can’t renew my mobile. I had to
spend it on Kurt. Yup, I had Kurt all to myself
and he looked good on me. Not as good as my
fast, however. Hehehe.

*

He has really changed a lot all his problems
are no more credits of mine. He is in love, and
I lie to him. I feel like to lie to him is not easy
for me but I like chatting very much and
freely. He talks about becoming understanding
and calm. I’m amazed I’m seeing him so much.

*

Somehow he says the booze is a great thing
this change because of it. Unbelievable but it
can be true in love. Has a good, built-up bod–
was thin–has me puzzled. Or maybe I think I
am, but, as Piggy says, use too much brains. I
wonder why any gal would want to be a
girlfriend.

*

Yesterday I stopped thinking and slept.
Waterfall drenched all rain and rocks, small
brooks, the ferns automatically came out
thank god this is a part of life. White
carnations, silk cadburys, and a little show. He
loves me a lot but simply our actions differ.

*

Happy days is when you give a damn. It’s
Monday or Sunday, haha, and I have
completed five chapters. I am a balanced and
smart girl. I went to the shop withdrew 2k
with Piggy spent it on dining I cannot live
when I have savings.

*

Suddenly time to be drastic. I have no life
in this house I just sleep and rot and fart. And
then my classmate expired. All his vibe I felt
was within him, which I ended up saying in
class, broke down. It hurts when you have
potential then die.

*

My job. My wedding. My finance. These things
are not in our hands. You’ll space out your
crying and hold a boy like a hunt. Will
someone find him? Will I? Kurt? Let’s see.
There is someone pushing me: Dad, flaunts his
BMW like fooling by giving false consolation
who wouldn’t work though should. I continue
the use of his phone. C ya.

*

The high class STD’s of living. We chat and
play Uno as a family. Then we walk to dinner
and get bored. I need another to soothe my
eyes. Piggy is a good human who is more
important than cars, more important than I'll
ever be. I am comfortable knowing I will soon
be with her. Happy.

*

There was a beach there. She was meeting
them after 11 years. Was very tired, lol, before
it starts, matching accessories and everything.
Education, saving trees. Valuable topics.
Home decor and many sunsets. Being I had
never been to life in this vest we clicked many
pics and strolled down the marine drive to the
part of night, where, there is no need to
mention, things like accounting, work and
disappointments.

*

Piggy is the only girl with whom I share this
ash. Meaning another girl wanting to chat
with Kurt on whatsapp. Bwahahahaha.

*

Divas, divas. I shall delete their irrelevance, I
swear. And it will be like burly bones breaking
under a truck 100% field. I hope that things
are different. I hope that he is fine. It is better
to accept but I live in my crib, have heels and
a sexy gold watch.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxII

Three weeks ago and I have adjusted for a
while now, maybe because I got in way before
I thought. It is Pig who is first to address the
situation to me: Kurt basically appearing as
every other man. He used to drink badly,
smoke badly, would not sleep and now is all
changed except for one: his anger, which he
says he owes me O_O. He has maintained all
this. How can one fake for so long.

*

The more I talk to you, the more I fall, he said.
Can’t stop, can’t control, it hurts I feel like it’s
also about my life. It’s all bechained. We had
Chat 2.0 and she inquired about a tattoo I sent
to him. He said he won’t but I think he may–he
can–when in frustration.

*

After a good, long time, there is god. I tried to
make him understand how pathetic I feel
adjusting the den alone. Sundays are
happening. Sundays, and my German A2 class
calmly stalking on its bike where school and
lectures and “your mom is so adorable” meet,
unawares. I leave my house and go out.

*

This time Mom gives me a strict voice hearing.
He is a nice guy, but a stupid fellow. I don’t
know where he comes on this planet. Blah
blah. I pack my bags, ready to be an imp, to
fall in love with movie and TV characters but
scared of coming days when Dad will deliver
me to work so go to dentist, skin doc and wind
up things at home.

*

I give myself a little egg. Small things are hard
to find, though I don't believe in hard. I can
buy a house, I can do everything I want to do,
but for now I get upset and act and whine.
Kurt treats us with watermelon juice and
strawberry shakes with ice, we bathe and talk
to Mom, show her pics and go to sleep. For
days I relax on stupid thoughts and am late to
poo.

*

Indiana in September. Kurt left for LA. He
bought a house that’s really long and now it’s
my turn–to wait, to have patience, to feel
bored. Am I crazy? No please. There is a
tattoo-like understanding, a peace of mind
beyond all love, which we aspire to. OK bye I
have to edit now.

*

Through the New Year I am such a rascal,
jobless, getting angry on Mom she has my
birthday at the house hello goodbye I’m
cooking here’s some blush. One Saturday, a
selfish, often rude, arrogant and blunt Dad has
just a tinge of personality even though he
never comes to the house. He posts all this
stuff on his wall…to be “in relation” with. Bro
doesn’t even know what’s in his mind and
thinks he’s the one upset.

*

He works for Tata, the financial IT. It’s an
addiction no less than the too-young girls
though at least with that he doesn’t obviously
heart everything. He even had feelings for
Ferdinanda, who I consider a friend (luv u
barbie) and tried to trap her with those
chicken-shit-type pics that pretend to be
healthy and fine. Handsome, then, he was,
damaging my image.

*

I can’t even ask him, like, hey, u still alive?
When he stays out of the house for days,
frolicking, could he be dead I wonder. Why.
Why won’t karma show him the right time like
this. I just thank god for showing me my path
n also Mom for educating me to follow it.

*

I am not a regular pub girl, but when I do, I
make sure to enjoy hehe. Fun party of the day
when kids were looking at my pinwheel, and I
was like, hey, shut up. Many good things took
place. I received my check of reimbursement
from the Loop, to pay a little attention to my
hair, then in the evening had pizza and
margaritas and discussed my dream of
becoming an air hostess.

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Among all my cousins, my cousin’s younger
cousin is cute. He has the big bright stare and
the small green eyes so common amongst all
kind and jovial souls. Under one head and
another one he stands to block God’s glowing
orange bulb light then loads two other hugs
and goes to sleep–just for the sake. Snores on
crib.

*

I keep his image in my heart. My not-yet-open
but pure heart will derive from him. I'll not
break, I'll fight, under schools jobs malls gyms,
to be his friend and guardian without second
thought of me.

*

Two such serious issues that I could have
tried: one, how depressed an ember troubles
answers when it starts. If nothing happens
then ill, the worst comes. We visit our old
house and there are just hills and hills of
cabinets, old furniture, doors, bits of glass, no
blue-green paint no bedroom hall no two
diwans no vibe of ownness.

*

But comfort? Comfort is where we have. We
live better lives now so we have to
compromise. We have to sometimes miss the
chance to live. When I was a kid I would just
dunk into the pond but after that I came to
plan, thought: Reach home by 9pm. Pics at 10.

*

Kurt on the phone again says I’m the one who
lives so far away. Smell of butter, chai, cool
air, grass–my legs click on the bed and then I
turn. Many young people around, not much of
a decent crowd, though. I think of the time we
visited Central Park and how he would not
allow me to get that jam.

*

Lunch cut short. I’m at my aunt’s. Phew. We
trekk toward balcony to look at city lights,
stars–in the sky there is no moon. I see a plane
flying after about five. minutes. Maybe I am
not into him at all but he is into me and I am
afraid of that.

*

I feel bad for the self. To be in that kind of
state. I'm sure he isn't missing me at all but
must be lying on his tummy with his head to
the right right now like always. Tonight I sleep
with Mom instead. Everything is silent except
for a few insects buzzing and sometimes I see
glow worms, too. With him it is such effortless
blabber, even in my worst looks.

*

Cut to Kurt calling me and everything is
normal lol I am stupid to overthink. Rest, now,
I say to self, stop being clingy, calling
everyday, plus you're getting late at school.
Today, I had an exam, and on the way, saw a
rad dog. It was growling at a little kitty, stuck
between two kids on scooters.

*

Life goes on. I have FOMO of basically
everything. Wanting to communicate with
humans. Not want. I have my omelet nom. It's
almost 1:08 am and Mom was sweet enough to
make it. I close the door before dad comes in
so as not to entertain his fing nagging.

*

The next day I give the kit a small bowl of
milk. Though I constantly don’t understand the
animals, I’m mostly just afraid of dogs. I read
somewhere that cats want to help. I’m also
bored and realize: this could be happy. I came
across one Facebook page and after going
through it learned it’s in small moments.

*

God bless you all for being happy, it is so
important in life. After reading this I hope you
do what makes you happy buy yourself cute
earrings, get slim, diet. Happiness is perfect
coffee, a fresh washed blanket, when Dad’s
not home. Happiness is my long black hair
falunting haha yes I do flaunt.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxIV

Some development. There were some cheap
pans, induction cook top and ninja mixer I
wanted to get, but when I got the mixer, it
broke. I took it back to the store to exchange
it. Piggy's mom, Elpha, is working at the front
door register and helps me with my stuff.

*

Shortfall from the side to the other level the
fruit, the dairy, the bread I dump my emotions
with them then ask if Piggy's well. She's doing
bad, her mom says. Wants to end her feelings
for things. She uninstalled all her techno apps
and won’t refill them till the second month.
She “quits.”

*

But I am studying well and won’t give it a go. I
am thinking of taking an international test to
decide whether I have the will to create a start
up. I have to study a lot. N brushup. It’s never
too late for anything in life. Especially
education.

*

But time. Leave. Bad time and right time. The
version where Mom gets mad at me and I
don’t have the money to afford the course fee.
Fuck my brain to ash. I want to run away and
just get lost, dream someone is there for me
which holds me back without my dreams, but
the result is: I'm checking out with lipstick.

*

Home. Bad bad phase. Assholes give me
documents and act pricey. Companies act like
god and god acts like profilers. The
interviewers keep me wailing, 1 hour and then
I click. From past two weeks my one front
tooth is cold pains like sting.

*

Like nerve. Babes you know I loved you but
you axed your own booty thinking yourself as
hot. I fly out to LA and meet Kurt at his house.
It’s surrounded by nature. Lakes and trees.
Hills. He tells me about his various jungle
adventures. He tells me about an anaconda
who repeatedly tried to digest him. He says, I
think the anaconda equals you.

*

Interest. I also have a stool that remotes its
higher shelf. I also have young people, an
energetic strip club, oranges; I also have
another life.

*

He (but who cares) after bidding adieu to the
vile part asks for a sleeping pill. I’ll say it’s not
so easy as to figure one collecting shells,
absorbing nature, cool fresh beach. But this is
him.

*

Peace brings spirituality. My problems,
situation, everything is same but my attitude
in face of the change of them. Some points I
keep in mind. On top of that one diamond dial
on his Timex Wristwatch which shows day in
the night. In a few days I will leave. It’s
getting dark and as I weep Kurt fluffs his
angry bird duvet. Let’s sleep.

*

I didn’t find any shut eye catchy. I love gifts
and shopping. I told Mom I would find
something affordable, and, Amen, I will. I buy
a sweater jacket, and some very nice perfume
on Madison. Two on my list crossed out. Now
future is a yummy ice I crave when docking go
to hell.

*

How to describe the hat I am wearing when
we meet Patches the Ferret on the street who
communicates via animal telepathy…It is a
fist-size folder, more muahaha than hey, with
the aesthetic of a Dubai job and a red wish
flower on the branch.