Two Stories

Give me a minute will ya?


Apples, bananas, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, avocados, raspberries, cantaloupe, cherries, grapes, grapefruit, kiwi, lemons, oranges, pears, pineapples, plums. Avocados, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbages, carrots, celery, corn, cucumbers, garlic, green beans, leeks, kale, okra, onions, peas, pumpkins, radish, spinach, squash, sweet potatoes, turnips, zucchini.

Pork, beef, venison, veal, poultry, lamb, fish, lobster, oyster, clams, scallops, tuna, catfish, crab, shrimp.

Black beans, pinto beans, chickpeas, cocoa beans, lentils, soy beans.

Macaroni and cheese, apple pie, banana pudding, grits and eggs, peach cobbler, chicken and waffles, deviled eggs and a partridge in a pear tree.

A boring man


I am a boring man. Nothing happens to me and I happen to nothing.

I read Hegel and nothing else.

I watch infomercials and nothing else.

I eat saltine crackers and nothing else.

I drink water and nothing else.

My point is, I am a boring man.

Occasionally, I talk to Mr. Lion statue. He lives outside the mansion next door. He enjoys our simple conversations. They go something like this.

“Hello Mr. Lion Statue.”

“Hello Banquet Dinner. How are you?”

“I am well. Thank you for asking.”

“Say, Mr. Lion Statue?”

“Yes Banquet Dinner?”

“What did you eat yesterday?”

“Steak as always. What did you eat yesterday?”

“Saltine crackers.”

And then the conversation ends around there.

Today, however, I could not have a conversation with Mr. Lion Statue. He was gone. I asked the owner where he went. The owner could not remember. He was 112 years old. So, I went out into town for the first time in over eighty years.

It was loud and crowded. There were people talking and cars honking.

A salesman selling seven salmon sashes stopped me.

“Hello sir! Would you like seven salmon sashes?”

I said “No. Have you seen a lion statue walking around here?”

He said no and kept on trying to sell me seven salmon sashes. He stopped when he was sent flying off into the sky by a bus.

“My land! How did I even do that?” said the bus driver.

“I don’t know. Have you seen a lion statue walking around here?” I asked the bus driver. “I’m afraid not.”

I said “Oh shucks!” and kept on walking.

I went down to the red light district. I was stopped by a young lady in a bunny suit. “My oh my! Surely your money is best spent elsewhere!” the young lady said, bending forward.

“I have no money.”

“Oh shucks.”

“Have you seen a lion statue walking around here?”

“I am afraid not.”

I said “Oh shucks” and nearly gave up looking. Then, I walked by the park and found Mr. Lion Statue sitting in the grass.

“Hello Mr. Lion Statue.”

“Hello Banquet Dinner. Would you like to play cards? I thought a change in scenery would be pleasant.”

“Yes, I would like to play cards, Mr. Lion Statue.”

We played cards for the whole afternoon. I beat Mr. Lion Statue seven times. Mr. Lion Statue beat me ten times. The weather was so nice.